It doesn’t matter what you make.

| February 23, 2016

This is a message of gentleness. We are so dam hard on ourselves. We don’t create because we’re scared it won’t be perfect. We don’t speak cos we’re worried it will come out wrong. We do speak then we worry it came out wrong. We don’t start the project cos we’re not sure we know how to finish. Sound familiar?

All it is is resistance, but we turn it into ‘I just suck.’ When I say ‘all it is is resistance’ I say that with complete understanding of how real that mo’fo is. I’m not saying it like ‘oh all it is is resistance’ like ‘it’s just like a feather floating by, forget it.’ LOL. We all know that resistance is a real dam thing that very few have mastered. But what I mean is, It’s resistance. It’s not a sign that you suck. It’s a sign that you DON’T suck and you SHOULD make something

This year, I gave myself 100% permission to suck- Because I know that letting go and just stuffing up feels a trillion times better than letting resistance keep me scared. I am a type A personality. It goes a little something like this… “Get it done, peta. Don’t waste time, peta. Working hard is glory, peta. get it right, peta. ” Urgh. I mean go away. Is there a way you can get a Type A reduction like you get a boob reduction? I just need a little bit less, some of the time. Like, don’t take all of my boobs, just a little bit. (aka type A) 

Earlier this year I was getting so caught up in what I was gonna make, for who, how it was gonna be structured… I was focused so much on getting the creation right, that I deprived myself and my soul of the most important part of it all…. The process of creating. I remember one day just getting so frustrated at myself for not being able to get the flow of my program right. I was creating a program all around GENIUS. What it is, how to access, how to live in it, how to create from it. Oh the irony. I was getting so caught up in the module structure, and the objectives and I was using my ‘creative’ time as ‘figure out’ time. They’re not the same thing. My soul felt constricted and I threw a tantrum. Yep! A tanty.  I closed the laptop faster than I could even say the words ‘fuck this’.. And i cant sya those words pretty fast.. Ive had practice.

I got up, as all 27 year old 2 toddlers do, and  stampeded to my zen room. I got out my colours and I just drew. It was like I had been sent to the naughty room by my soul. I drew.. With my tongue hanging out the side of my mouth, tears streaming down my face and a new found blissful attitude of ‘fuck it! Im just gonna make something and i dont care what it is.)

The tantrum, was the resistance winning. The drawing with my tongue out with no cares in the world, was my soul reclaiming the trophy.

I had no care in the world for what it was gonna look like, but I just so badly wanted to create. My soul so badly wanted to create. And it wanted to do it uncensored…. without worrying about perfection or structure or outcome or anything else resistance tries to tell us is important.

It felt so dam free. It felt like creating is meant to feel.

What I’m learning is that it does not matter what we create, it really doesn’t! What matters is that we let ourselves create. The key word is LET. ALLOW. That we actually ALLOW ourselves to unleash on the impulses and creative spirit that is begging to be born through us regularly and randomly. It’s the PROCESS of creating that is the art. It’s the PROCESS of creating that is the magic, that turns your light on, that lets you be gentle with yourself- perhaps for the only time that day. (Sad face, you beat yourself up too much. So do I. We need to stop that, ok?)

There’s a divine spirit trying to flow through you all day everyday… Ideas… Drawing… Music…. Dance… Stick figures… Businesses… And when we censor this creative impulse from the spirit with our ‘oh but it might suck’ and ‘I don’t know how to draw’, ‘I’m an adult, I don’t have time for colours’ , we are essentially walking around with a plug on the top of our forehead blocking a superpower, a calm, a bliss and a freedom from entering. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we plug the freedom we’re searching for? It’s like, we think by censoring everything, we will have something perfect, and then we will arrive at a bliss and freedom in our sense of accomplishment.

Oh but we have it all wrong. This bliss and freedom and sense of accomplishment, comes in the LETTING IT RIP. Not in the product. Our soul feels like its already WON, when we just draw, make, create, write, dance, sing. And if it’s meant to turn into something epic, it will.

This doesn’t take away from intention. Absolutely not. But creating with intention, first begins with CREATING with inhibition. Then we start to feel what it should feel like. Then we can make stuff for the world. And finish it.

Take out the plug. It doesn’t matter if you finish everything you do creatively. It doesn’t matter if it looks good. It doesn’t matter who sees. What matters is that you create. Now excuse me while I get started on my latest impulse, my stick figure story book.

Love, PK

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